so, i have have been feeling very uneasy over the past i dunno three days i guess.. i was like, what is this?... am i lonely? sad? what am i feeling? where is this coming from?
i mean, my beloved car died on me 2wks ago and i haven't had a major meltdown over it... nope, not that..
i went through a painful situation with a dear friend that created a very strong anger inside of me several days ago.. the situation created a new level of strength in me and was freeing so it's all good on that front.
there's been some very stressful shit taking place in my life since nov 2013 that i have been working through on a continual basis.. i have more work to do on that front in that i have to decide if i will be suing two establishments for wrong doing.. this is difficult for me because i loath the system and really do not wish to become entangled in it through legal measures, hence the dragging of my heals.. meh this may be part of my unrest.. yeah, but nope
i woke up early this morning, uneasy feelings.. i laid in bed and fell in and out of consciousness...as i began to awaken in my body i breathed and felt deep within my core... i began to have flashes of my life 25 years ago.. the day my sweet love was born.. such a precious little one breathing life into my life by his very existence within my body.. as he grew, so did i.. as he formed, so did i.. the ice that was surrounding my heart was melting.. at this time in my life i was very out of touch with my being... really had no clue who i was, especially in comparison to who i am now, what i now know about life about my life.. many hidden pains within my shadow were unknown to me then..
and so, just days before his arrival to planet earth my dear mother said something just horrifying to me.. she suggested i place a name to a previous encounter that began growing in my body.. i was 20yrs of age when that took place.. i was pregnant, horrified at the idea of becoming a mother at a time i was in no way prepared for such an important role.. i was drug and drink addled and attached to a boyfriend for which i loved from my ego only.. i know this now, then i knew very little but i did know that i was not willing to create life at that time so i signed up for an abortion.. that was one of the most difficult decisions i had to make.. so hard in fact that i opted to be put under because the emotional pain was so great... the idea of snuffing out life forming inside of my body was so devastating for me.. the years following that event landed me in depression.. i was unable to forgive myself for "killing" life... and so, if you're still reading this you can imagine how upsetting it was for me to have her suggest anything at all in relation to my aborted babe just prior to bringing forth life...so much, that when i felt labor was near i went to the hospital, alone.. a friend drove me and stayed with me, but this could never have replaced what i deserved which was the love of my mother and grandmother standing at my side.....but to avoid my mum i had to leave grandmother behind too which if you knew me at all you would know this was heart wrenching for me as this womyn was my everything, without her i do not know how i would have survived my young life.. she was my refuge <3
on with the birth - the OB honestly had no business caring for womyn, in fact i doubt he liked them much.. i was so dumb then, had no idea i could have fired his ass.. even if i did know i was weak then so perhaps i would have just stayed the course anyway..and so, i went to the hospital around 8pm.. dr a-hole showed up and straight away he had me hooked up to the evil pitocin and my birthing process became unbearable... i was so upset, i had no idea! had i known i would have never allowed that crap to become a part of my journey.. i suppose everything happens for a reason but fuck *eek* that sucked! .......this dr became angry with me because i didn't want his large man hands inside my vagina to check my cervix.. i said to him, "can the nurse check please?" he become enraged, i saw it on his face.. i was in the worse pain imaginable, and now i was frightened by someone i am supposed to trust with my life.. sigh <breathes> and so... i suffered for hours, walking the halls.. up and down to pee, the whole deal.. at one point that prick threatened me with cesarean if i didn't birth soon.. i gained some strength of mind/body/soul immediately and said something along the lines of, "you sir will not be cutting into this body, i am perfectly capable of birthing my child!" and on i went, waiting the course for this little love to enter my life..
when the time came i was wheeled into a birthing area and that bastard cut me without my permission.. gawd i was ignorant! apparently performing the episiotomy wasn't enough pain to express towards my body for that shit stain, and when he sewed me up he made sure to do it wrong and left a bulge that left both a physical and emotional scar as well.. hateful prick!
anyway..... my baby was born and 'it' was a boy! i remember saying, "he's a boy, he's a boy" i was so happy.. i had no idea the love that would engulf my person.. amazing so incredibly amazing <3
i shudder now, tears rolling down my face.....i hate thinking it, and now i am going to write it for the first time for public view.. my son, he was safe, he was precious, he was healthy and strong and big and so tiny all at the same time - i brought him home, this sweet innocent being.. i slept with him right by my side, and sometimes on top of my belly all curled up and perfect in his fetal position.. he loved sleeping on his belly :)
and then the prick mother fucker pediatrician had his first office visit with my dear little one and suggested doing this simple little snip to prevent this or that in baby boys.. and because i was so goddam ignorant i believed him and i set the appointment.. the day i was to place this little angel into the harmful hands of this disgusting humyn i was completely shaken! but because i had no idea who i was, nor was i aware of listening to my body or my inner heart voice i just ignored it.. i am not fibbing you here... i was shaken to pieces, i was crying and my body was screaming at me, NO NO NO DANGER! but i didn't know how to listen and i handed my crying innocent little man over to this monster who altered his body in a way that could never be recovered, in a way that would effect his emotional being for the rest of his life, in a way that would effect his sexual experience for the rest of his life.....and i was devastated, too.. i had no idea why, but there i was, a pool of tears and shaken being..
the following days: i knew that what was done to my son was wrong, i didn't know why but i knew.. i was so traumatized that i pushed it all inside of me, way down deep with all the other bullshit that had been accumulating from my birth into this existence on earth..
a deeper layer has been unearthed..
i hope my son is not embarrassed that i shared this.. thankfully he understands that what was done to him was evil.. for that i am very thankful; i cannot imagine if he went through life with the attitude that many men express over having their most precious and sensitive sexual organ cut upon and discarded as unimportant.. because it is important, nature knows what she is doing! and this assault to our men in infancy/childhood is outrageous and MUST come to an end!
i love you sweet love - my ever enduring angel
<3 happy birthday <3
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